Tinge of blue

I can't help but feel lost and bitter when i know my time is up in SPDB- no doubt it was a tough 3 years but i sure did learnt how to be stronger. The moment i thought of me stepping down made me want to tear sometimes- yes, i miss those training & race spirit together as a team and the laughter & fun all of us had. However when i think back, it was not a sad piece of news afterall because i've already met my aims set about a year ago and i did it with no regrets. This may sound a little cliche but when jiahui left abruptly with short notice, i was still in a state of shock then - it all happened just too quickly. Making decisions had always been a hard thing to do and i hate it whenever it comes to making one, but thankfully with Zakiyyah around to share the burden with me, things were much easier supposedly. I have nothing much to say but am just blessed to have a girls team before i leave, a great sense of satisfaction and achievement i feel. The boyfriend had been guiding me along though tough times and indeed i did learnt alot from the process. I guess everything have to start from scratch all over again now that my time is up - with new people and new environment but a familiar sport that had taught me to be stronger.

Once again, i read the papers - Dragonboat Tragedy. Familiar faces were seen on the papers whom i saw almost every training in SDBA, it just happened instantly without hesitation. I cannot imagine seeing someone (be it strangers or someone i know) whom i get to see so often and the next moment you know, he/she is dead. Floodgates were open and i reckoned that "Life is short" indeed, be it a cliche or not. Everyone of us take things for granted without realising it - for the many times i throw tantrums, procrastinates and literally blowing up small matters over nothing..i am sorry. I won't even want to do something like that again beacause it is so not worth the time in my life, i just want to spend time wisely and live it to the fullest - so unpredictable and full of mysteries lying ahead.

The beauty of mother nature is a facade - it beautify yet at the same time kills.

Tuesday at The Ship Restaurant;

It is closing to Friday everyday when the boyfriend books out(:

Comes and Goes

It was a rhapsody of heart pangs for me when i read the news that 5 dragonboaters were found dead after being thrown into the open sea in Cambodia while easy rowing. It was such an unexpected accident to happen when everyone went there with enthusiasm - to row and gain glory for themselves as Singaporeans but ended in a depressing state (more than that of not able to win a medal for the race). Family members were called in to fly over to Cambodia to identify the deceased, with loved ones mourning and tearing out of their floodgates - this is certainly a disheartening sight to see. I wouldn't want my loved ones to behave this way if there is a day i'm going to die because this would only add onto my sorrow seeing them crying so hard over me. The sight of it just makes my heart melt instantly.

At this poignant point of time, i start to wonder why life has to be destined and what is it behind the cliche "Everything in life is fated". I believe everything in life is created by your own hands, however i did not hold strongly onto my belief for sometimes i do ponder on certain stuff that i do...if it is really fated and written beforehand by God. Curiousity is begging me to search for an answer.

-

Weekends are meant for the boyfriend, which means i have to travel all the way to the east. Even though, i procrastinate on how long and tiring the trip is, i would still find myself dragging my heavy footsteps out of my house and leave hurrily to meet the boyfriend. Time spent with my family was always in a jiffy, with my dad (as usual) alighting me at the nearest MRT station. The boyfriend and i went to the supermarket (again) to top up his snacks and voila - ben & jerry's chocolate fudge brownie found! Time just wouldn't compromise and it was soon book in time. It'll be Friday pretty soon for i am sure.

The laughter we shared

The tears we shed
Will always be sealed between us

He was forced to do this;

He claimed he is a trained soldier;

Unintentional

It was another funfilled weekend spent with the boyfriend - the stayover, movie and grocery shopping. The supermarket is a snack haven for the boyfriend, after every book out, he would always stock up his snacks there. So much addicted to Ben & Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie, the boyfriend insisted on getting it after getting the wrong tub the other time. We'd spend moments reaching our hands into the ice cream freezer in search of the ice cream, to no avail, we just got our hands numb and cold and a session of laughter after that.

After seeing the boyfriend off to pasir ris today, followed by a sumptuous dinner at sushi teh with my family and cousins at Vivo. Everything was alright until paranoia engulfed me with PMS playing a huge part in it, i hurt the boyfriend with my words. Im feeling uneasy still, after we chose to forget what happened and move on. It was an unintentional act of mine and i hated myself so much for committing such foolish mistake (PMS is manipulating me). Unmotivated and depressed - they are tormenting me so painfully and slowly now. It is another 3 days of outfield - am waiting patiently.

TEARING ME APART GRADUALLY IN YOUR ABSENCE

Yummy prawn noodles by the boyfriend's mum;

The horny dog who never fails to follow the boyfriend everywhere he goes;

Middle finger pointing session;

Tell me what to do

With the week coming to a sweet closure, it was a week ago that i actually whined profusely that the boyfriend needs to be on a 6 days field camp. And i literally hated field camps, not to mention National Service (NS), is it even necessary for all these when there are quitters and stayers eventually. I claim that NS is a total waste of time, snatching away the youth of young men and doing never ending drills with aimless training programmes - weaken the strong & strengthen the weak. It maybe an honour to die for your country (somewhat passe) but ultimately, how many out there are willing to make such great sacrificial voluntarily - without the state enforcing a penalty. The quitters would flee the country as soon as possible when war is nearing while the stayers would remain in the country and fulfill the honourable passe saying and be a hero. At this moment of life and death, i am sure it doesn't matter if you are to be labelled as a coward. Afterall, what's more important than life. I am yet to find out if i am a stayer or a quitter, till then, i might as well ponder hard on what i am going to do after i graduated.

This may sound absurd in this liberal yet competing society - ambition: loaded taitai. Often, i would see myself moulding into a determined and independent career woman without having to soley depend on my lifetime partner - a house husband would be preferred? In any case, i wouldn't mind a househusband so as long as he does everything that ought to be done. Alternatively, although as liberated this society maybe, it doesn't appear that everyone is accepting the ideology. It is indeed a vague and vast future ahead, for me to deal with - am not looking forward to graduating, there is just so much that/whom i will miss.

Tomorrow will again be the booking in of the boyfriend, if i had a wish to be granted - time to come to a halt. It is staying over at the boyfriend's later after his stayover at mine yesterday (not that it's a fun thing to stay over but time is limited with the far distance apart). Field camp from monday to wednesday, totally abhor it.
I MISS...

Classgirls;

Telemarketers, anyone?;

Christmas,i love;

Fairytale ending

I've always believed in a fairytale ending for all relationships, it was when i experienced setback then that i find myself rather naive in holding onto this belief. However, i still hope for my fairytale ending but in an obsure way filled with much uncertanties. The setback had indeed mould me into a tougher woman (thank you to that someone), not succumbing to sweet nothings easily and literally take them word for word. Whispering sweet nothings containing the word "FOREVER" is a jabberwocky, it just don't work for me.

Whenever i spot old couples down the street, hands locked and walking side by side, made me raise a smile and evoke felicity in me - genuine marital bliss from pledging vows of monogamy. I would then always see myself growing old with my lifetime partner with calloused skin and grey hair, hand in hand, strolling down the streets. That would be more than i can ask for then, when i am now leading a fast-paced life in this agile society, hardly gasping enough air to breathe.

Sometimes i do wonder if pledging of monogamy is ever necessary on the day of marriage when most of the marriages these days just end up in a fiasco, most of which commiting bigamy. I've always regarded marriage as somthing sacred but not now, when married couples do commit fidelity. Human is a weakling when it comes to lust, so easily susceptible. Even if so, they must still be able to curb their covet for lust unless they are utterly selfish and conscienceless creatures. Afterall, human are homo sapiens.

It's been 5 uncontactable days, am anticipating for tomorrow to hear the boyfriend's voice again. I miss him so.

FAIRYTALE ENDING I AM WAITING.

Give me love and trust. Stay faithful till death do us part. That's all i could ever ask for.

Friday
Finally, some catching up with Estee(: Dempsey's Ben & Jerry's;

Ticking away

It is booking in for the boyfriend today and i cannot seem to sleep soundly despite it is raining. Last meet up later before he goes on a 6-days outfield. The clock is ticking every milli-seconds, well-spent time later.

I HATE TO BID GOODBYE.

The boyfriend booked out yesterday evening and i went to pick him up. I hate long distance travel (from boonlay to tampines) especially on MRT where i got so sick of it and yearning to get out just to take a cab everywhere i go. At least it is better now than before that i learnt to take buses and MRT, if not, those cab uncles will be heartily welcoming my ever flowing cash on them. Attack of a sea of trained soldiers (or maybe not) when i arrived at the picking up point, everyone looked similar - Number 4 uniforms, black boots, backpacks, black rimmed glasses for some. With proper scrutinisation, you might tell the difference - some looked as if they're going to die soon, some were craning their necks to look for familiar faces, some were just walking in solitaire, some looked so alien as if it was the first time they land on Singapore and some just ate like a horse as if they have never tasted 'real' food.

The plan: to catch Stardust 9.40pm at GV Tampines and prata after that. But time is not that magnanimous to give way to us and the latter was only executed with an additional - Pasir Ris Park. In search of cars in darkspots with misty windows and 1 was caught in action at the back of the seat with the guy staring at me when i tried to catch a glimpse at a distance. It was then off to his area for prata - mee goreng, egg prata, egg & onion prata, plain prata, tissue prata and teh tarik (too engrossed with eating,no pictures). Wolfed down every bit of everything - a sumptuous one for him. The day ended with me reaching home at 2.49am and the boyfriend's at 3.20am. I love

VAGUENESS OF YOUR BACK AS YOU LEAVE ME...I FEEL ESTRANGED.

When things just got started, it had to end

It'd been days since i last blogged. In a split second, the long awaiting Regatta is over and it was indeed a worthy one to sum up my years in SPDB - a 3rd placing for Mix event (It might be just a 3rd placing but it was definitely a tough fight). We reap what we sow or at least a little bit of luck with hell tranings pay off. Nothing much from the past few days except for the stayover at the boyfriend's, pre-regatta dinner and Regatta itself. After so much that had happened, it is time to finally settle down to prepare for my tests this week - totally unmotivated. Any diploma in Dragonboating to offer? Anyone?

Pre-regatta Dinner

Regatta

The boyfriend

Botak(: